it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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