You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
