someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
