I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
