Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
