So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
