The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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