So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Are we still banned from the library?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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