I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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