My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
