I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
