god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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