i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
