we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
