Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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