Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
