Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Rumble strips road head = magical
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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