I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
