I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
