I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
