I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
