Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
