Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Barsexuality is the new black.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
