so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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