did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
