I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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