checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
