Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
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