Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
