I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
