you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
