OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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