new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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