Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
