He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
