I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
