Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
