the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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