cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
