Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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