My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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