Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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