he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
