i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
