Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
