Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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