Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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