Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
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