highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
