Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
