my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
